16 wks

Since my last post I've been feeling much better (thank goodness!) I think perhaps it must have been a little hormone surge as I spent a couple of days just feeling so weepy and sorry for myself.

Things haven't been too bad since then.. I'm a bit more like my old self and have definately had more energy that I did during the first trimester. I still get tired pretty quickly, and I find that if I have a busy day one day I am completely exhausted (and very sick!) the following day.

The sickness still hasn't passed completely... I'm still being sick most mornings, and quite often in the evening if I'm tired, or instantly as soon as I get hungry (which happens about every 15 minutes!!), but it's much easier to cope with than it has been.

My tummy is starting to look so lovely and round and Daddy-to-be loves patting it and talking to it now (as well as singing to it after a few drinks... it's just as well it probably can't hear him yet!!!)

I've kept a folder where I'm putting one photo per week of my tum and it makes a lovely little timeline... I'm sure one day I'll look back in astonishment at the flat(ish) pictures at the start! Somehow, despite my growing tum, I still haven't put on a lb weight!

I had my 16 week midwife appointment today. I'd prepared a list of questions i had in advance but then completely forgot about it when I got there!! A pretty un-inspiring experience really... she confirmed a few questions from my notes and then I hopped up on the table and let her put goo on my belly so we could hear the little heartbeat which was regular (148 beats per minute).

I asked her about a home birth and don't think she's terribly convinced it's a good idea. She said that 'first time mothers aren't in our criteria' because 'we don't know what your body is capable of'. I found that a bit depressing - surely a midwife should believe that the vast majority of women are capable of giving birth?! I was trying to make it clear to her that it wasn't just a whim and that I also wasn't being fanatical about it - I agreed with her that if there were any complications during my pregnancy I wouldn't have a problem with planning a hospital birth but that I'd like to at least attempt to give birth at home. She agreed that it was my choice and that if it was what I wanted they would support my decision but I got the distinct impression that she thinks i'm mad!
I suppose they just get so used to they system they work within - she said in the trust area they've only attended two home births in the last year. I agreed to go home and think about it and we'll discuss it again at my next appointment in four weeks time. I'm planning to arm myself with print outs of research to support my decision so that i feel capable of standing my ground.

Got home and decided to unload my car which was lovely - I'd been visiting an aunt yesterday who had her second (and last) baby in June this year and he has now outgrown his Moses basket, so they'd popped it in the boot for me last night.



I can't wait to have my own little bundle to pop in it!! We've got two baskets now - the white one and a pink one, so we'll have one in the bedroom and one in the kitchen. Which way round they'll go will depend on whether our little bundle is 'pink' or 'blue' when it arrives!!

In the basket is our babies first bear:

When I was little my bear was really important to me, and I still give him a cuddle when I'm having a hard day!! He's bald all over now and has had to have his eyes and nose restitched countless times! He even won an award once and got featured in the local paper as 'the most loved bear'!! I loved that my Dad had bought him for my Mum and so I'd asked Daddy-to-be to get me a bear. He's from the 'loved and adored' range from Babies'R'Us and has a detachable fleece/silk blankie. I'm going to start sleeping with him after Christmas so when our little one arrives it will already smell like Mum and (in theory) be a comfort.

I'm so excited about meeting my little one next year... it still seems so incredibly far away but I'm sure it will be May before i even know it!!

There'll be lots happening between now and then... we got the bad (but not unexpected) news today that my OH's company is going to close at the end of January, so he'll be made redundant. It's horrible timing for him with me giving up work at the same time, and having just taken on a mortgage for the first time in his life. I personally think it might be the best thing that's ever happened to him (apart from me, of course!!). He's worked in the same company since leaving school and I really think a change will do him a world of good. I just wish that he shared my confidence that things will work out. He's excellent at what he does (designing, making and fitting kitchens) and will be happier once he's doing the hands on work again instead of managing other people, he's well connected in the industry and I have a pretty good head for business... I just have to convince him to take the chance and set up a business of his/our own.

We were talking about it with a friend the other night who has spare space in his business and he has offered it to us rent free for a trial period and I've asked him to speak to his boss about taking a van, tools and some of the showroom displays as part of his redundancy package - we could be fairly well set up for not a lot of money and I'm completely sure it's worth giving it a go. It's just a pity that the market is so unfavourable and that he has such a cautious nature. Still... I'll give him a day or two to sink in before I start pushing him to think about what happens next. I do sometimes wish he was more proactive!!

I'm going to log off shortly to go and make some dinner and then this evening I'm going to finish wrapping the christmas pressies for under the tree. It's so exciting to imagine getting ready for Christmas next year with a whole new person in our family!! I'm pretty confident that next year there might not be so much home baking or hand made Christmas cards but I'm betting it's going to feel more festive than ever!! I'm just about ready for Christmas this year. I ordered all the non-perishable stuff today from Tesco so that's coming tomorrow and then all I'll need to do is get in the fresh stuff on Saturday (for the party we're having on Sunday), and get the fresh turkey and veg on Christmas eve.

I'm still waiting on my most exciting Christmas present ever though - hopefully by then I'll be feeling my baby moving!!!!
Love to all
MummyK

Feeling sorry for myself

I just feel like I need a cuddle.

After 8 weeks of constant sickness and nausea I'd started to feel better and now I've got a stinking cold. The sickness is back and I just feel so blooming useless.
Started feeling a bit upset last night when OH got a phonecall inviting us out to a dinner dance on Saturday night and I said we could go for the dinner but I couldn't cope with two late nights out in a row (we've already got plans for Friday night). I just felt like such a drag... he's been so good to me in the last 12 weeks and all I do is moan. I really don't mean to. I'm delighted to be pregnant and so excited about meeting my baby next year. I just expected this all to be so much easier.

I'd already planned to stop work at Christmas but since I'm off this week and she's already got her replacement childminder lined up I'm thinking about just finishing now. It would be such a relief as the thought of going back makes me want to cry...if only money wasn't such a worry.

It doesn't help that OH came home on Wednesday night and said his boss is talking about closing the business after Christmas. I've known it was a possibility for a long time and it wouldn't be a disaster: OH would be entitled to his redudancy which would keep him going until he could set up elsewhere and I really think he'd be happier working with tools again as a joiner rather than managing a company where he's got all the responsibility and none of the control. I think I'd even be happy about it if he wasn't so stressed about it. I just don't feel like I can cope with anybody elses worries at the minute and I have no patience for him worrying about what if's

I know I'm very lucky really... and I'd put up with anything in the world to meet my baby next year. I'll blame the hormones for now... and go back to bed for a little cry

14 weeks and counting

So there we have it... pregnancy is not only the most exciting thing to ever happen to me, it's also the damned hardest work I've ever done in my life. I haven't been here in 4 weeks because I've hardly had the strength to sit upright to drive my car to work, never mind to sit at the computer when I come home in the evenings. Who knew?

So far it's been pretty tough going... I've had a few weeks of vomiting every time I've moved (and that isn't an exaggeration... I have to walk about the house with a towel, and drive with plastic bags in my lap) and sheer exhaustion. Thank God (and I don't mean that blasphemously... I'm so grateful!!) I'm now starting to feel slightly more human. The sickness seems to have eased a bit in the last 10 days or so, although it has been replaced at the top of the list of 'most annoying pregnancy symptom' by the capacity I now have to faint, anywhere, at any time, if i have to stand for more than a few minutes at a time. I've had a few embarrassing moments - primarily fainting in the changing rooms while out with the MIL (giving her the fright of her life!), and when standing in line to buy a bottle of water in the middle of a busy shopping centre.

Although my pregnancy has been going unrecorded on my online blog I have been making a more important record; a beautiful journal I'm writing in every few days with letters to my baby. Full of sentimental soppiness I hope that some day my little tot will be able to appreciate how very wanted, loved and adored s/he has been right from the very start. It's already turning into a lovely momento as I've stuck in the congratulations cards, appointment letters and that first picture.

So apart from the sickness, fainting and exhaustion, what else has been happening in the last month? Well my baby is now a proper official little person who has it's very first portrait taken. I won't bother posting the scan picture... it's exactly the same as every other dating scan picture you've ever seen... a little kidney bean shaped blob with a bigger blog for a head. I had expected that having the scan itself would be quite emotional but it didn't really make much of an impression on me. I felt like I went into it knowing what I was going to see, and in complete faith that it was going to be okay. 'Daddy-to-be' on the other hand cried when he saw that little heart beating away on the monitor and thinks that 'it's got a boys face... and he's grumpy'... hmm.. not sure quite how he saw that in the miniscule blurry screen but I'm really glad that I pushed him into coming along. Somehow I think he was expecting them to tell us I'd been making it up!

Since then he's started switching into protective Daddy mode and has been taking very good care of me. Most evenings it's all I can do to make dinner when I get home and then crawl into bed, and for the rest of the evening he'll be down every half hour or so to see if there's anything he can bring me or anything he can do to make me more comfortable. It's very sweet and I've been trying not to take advantage TOO much... having said that, I AM growing a baby!!

Baby seems to be growing well as well, if my tum is anything to go by. My waist has now gone from 30" to 39" and last week people started patting it!! It's just a lovely feeling and I keep telling baby in my letters how loved they are already - and still just the size of a weetabix!! It's bizarre to be growing so much when I've actually lost weight so far - just over half a stone in fact! It's great in a way because I'd been trying to lose a little bit of weight before conceiving and since then I've been eating like a horse and am still at my target weight...hopefully it will make it that bit easier to get back to normal afterwards (or as normal as things will ever be again!). So far my belly and boobs are the only bit of me that have grown (I'm now a H cup!!!). I couldn't help feel smug when I saw a friends wife recently who is expecting at the same time as me - she's normally very glam and has always made me feel quite inferior (she's one of these people who three appointments a week to get her hair blow dried and never goes out in flat shoes) - her face has blown up to the size of a football! Not that I'm going to gloat but I did leave her house feeling a bit happier than usual!!

As my pregnancy has been so tough so far it's made it easier for me to make a decision about leaving work. A combination of factors including the beginnings of SPD, my scary family history of cervical imcompetence and my terror of driving down our tiny country lanes in the snow and frost mean that I'm giving up work at Christmas - only 9 more working days for me!!! I'm really looking forward to being able to take some time to just relax and concentrate on growing a healthy baby as well as getting my little nest ready for it.

Because we conceived just after the settlement on OH's divorce was made final it's meant we're able to get stuck straight into redecorating the entire house and I think the expected arrival is a pretty good motivator... in the last few weeks we redecorated the spare bedroom (previously with pink walls and stencilling!) which is now a beautiful creamy refuge where my Mum can come and stay for a few days after the birth. The hall is no longer orange but has had it's first coat of white paint, and next weekend will be a beautiful linen colour that compliments the natural stone tiles. The next room after that will be our bedroom which will go from bright yellow to lovely natural creams.

The room I'm most excited about it the bathroom - as it currently has a forest green ceiling and dark green walls with lighter green sponged effects and gold stencilling, and NO BATH!! I've picked some lovely calm colours for in there, and a beautiful traditional cast iron bath... I can't wait to get that done. To be able to have a bath in my own house again will seem like the utmost in luxury.

The nursery will be next after that... it still seems a long way off though!

The only little niggling worry is money: I bought my own house at a very bad time (just before the market crash) and because a lot of the properties around me were buy-to-let it's now sitting in between three or four houses to let. Whilst I've got a room rented in mine it comes nowhere close to paying the mortgage, but I can't put him out because there are so many empty rental properties available I can't guarantee being able to let mine to anybody else. It means that while I'm not working I'll still need to pay my share of the mortgage and bills. I'm going to just about be able to cover it, but i don't know what i'll do if the interest rates go back up, and I'm not going to have a penny spare for the next year or so. The other worrying thing about that is being dependant on OH for paying our day to day bills and looking after baby.

Before getting pregnant it didn't overly concern me that he isn't fantastic at dealing with money...he had his and I had mine. Now I've realised that I'm going to be dependant on him means that it is SCARY that he won't budget. He knows that he spends more than he earns every week / month - but he doesn't know how much and he doesn't seem terribly bothered. As part of his settlement he got a cash lump sum and i kept urging him to put it into a different account so that it doesn't just gradually disappear on the every day stuff without him noticing, but he hasn't done that - and I don't know how much of it he's spending. I know that nagging won't help - I just don't know what I can do that will make any difference.

Whilst i know he's going to be a great Daddy I do worry about what he's going to be like as a partner. It has been a definate role shift in the house already as before I very much looked after him, and now he has had to look after me and I'm hoping that once I start to feel better and once we're settled into family life we'll find a better balance.

I'm also already worrying about how we'll ever get around to producing a second baby (not that i want to get ahead of myself or anything!!). Ever since the very start of our relationship it always niggled at me that i was always the one to initiate sex, and that i had a much higher sex drive. During the first trimester I felt so sick and my boobs were so sore that the thought never even entered my mind, however in the last few weeks I've been feeling more like myself in that respect but OH is definately not on for the 'three in the bed' situation. He won't even hug me properly in case he bumps baby!!!

Rubbing my 'miracle oil' into my boobs and belly every morning and night makes me feel really sensual and I love my changing shape... I feel like a goddess and I deserve to be worshipped!! I just sometimes wish that we shared a bit more passion and a bit more chemistry. I do worry that we could end up stuck in a completely platonic relationship... I don't want to force him into something he's uncomfortable with at the minute but I know that it isn't going to improve as I get bigger and by the time baby arrives and I've physically recovered it could easily be close to a year - to my mind that's just far too long for a couple to go without physical intimacy.

Apart from that, I'm very content looking forward to mummy-hood. I've got so much support from both of our families and I'm really looking forward to all that is to come. While a lot of women seem to be already worrying about the birth I can't wait to have that experience. I've been reading lots of positive birth stories and am preparing myself for a natural home water birth. I've started a pregnancy yoga programme, and have bought a birth ball that I intend to use after Christmas. I've also been walking, and once I have more time in the New Year I hope to swim a couple of times a week.. I'm hoping that the better condition my body is in the more natural my birth can be but we'll see what happens when we get there.

Before I get that far the next big milestone I'm looking forward to is feeling the baby move... I expect that to happen in the next 4-6 weeks or so - what better Christmas present could I have than to finally feel that precious little person I already love so much and feel I know so well?!

That's all for now....

Almost 9 weeks

Tomorrow I will be 9 weeks pregnant, and the 'morning sickness' (HA!!) seems to have reached a peak. In the last few days I've been going about my normal business and then suddenly have to race to get to a sink in time (I've given up trying to get as far as the bathroom)

It's great fun... but I can't help wondering how anybody puts themself through this again when they already have a little tot to look after! I'd been planning to start trying for Baby Number 2 once this one is around 9 months old, but spending my working week heaving while trying to change nappies for the little boy I childmind has made me think twice.

Apart from that my little tum is definately getting rounder, and since anything tight around my waist makes me instantly sick I'm already wearing my maternity jeans (albeit with a few extra pins holding in the belly band!), or else tracksuit bottoms.



Apart from my lovely growing tum, the other thing growing is my boobs.... seriously, I tried to run yesterday (it was raining) and they nearly knocked me out!! I'm now a pretty impressive 34G!!!! Unless you've ever dated Jordan, you've never seen the like!!


Given my changing shape it's just as well that pretty much everyone knows now. It's been lovely what a warm response everyone has given, even people we didn't think would be terribly interested. I went to tell one of our neighbours during the week and her husband was delighted!! He's a quiet man, and quite reserved, but he got very emotional and said it's the best news there has been in this community since they moved here 7 years ago!! Whilst I sat and chatted with his wife, he came up to congratulate the Daddy to Be. Even my sister, who is very ambitious and never seemed terribly maternal, is already struggling not to buy gorgeous little bits for her new niece or nephew. She's very into her photography and she's promised to come home after the baby is born to take some gorgeous professional photographs. It seems that already there is so much hope and love invested in this little being.

My OH is going to be such a good daddy too... even if he's terrified of actually handling a baby, I know I'm going to get all the support I need. Every night after I go to bed (at about 7 o'clock, usually) he spends all evening carrying me drinks, crackers, books... anything my little heart desires. He worries terribly that something will go wrong, but I know he has just fallen in love with the idea of finally being a Daddy.

This week I went on a bit of a shopping spree... a bit premature, I know but I couldn't resist!
I came home with all babys bedding for the cot and moses basket:

as well as a lovely Winnie the Pooh blanket

and sleeping bag


I've got as many blankets, sheets, etc as they say you need on my 'Ready For Baby?' checklist, and I'm going to resist buying any more as I know I'll want either pink or blue things for my little one once it gets here!

I also got a lovely musical mobile


I'd decided that if I start picking up a couple of things as I go along it will be much easier to budget for when baby actually arrives. Last week I spent about £150 on stuff for the nursery, but I now need very little, and we've got all the nursery furniture apart from a wardrobe. It's so hard not to go overboard when everything is so gorgeous, and when buying stuff is one of the things that makes it feel real.

It still doesn't feel real a lot of the time.. I can't wait to see my little bean at the scan in a few weeks time (baby is now the size of a grape!!) and thinking about feeling the first fluttering movements makes me catch my breath. I've wanted this my whole life and I can't bear the thought of anything going wrong. I just pray that God will protect this little life that He is blessing us with.

Til next time x

Maternity Bras already

So little bean is still sticking... I'd been reading my 'whats happening this week' book every Monday morning but have decided to shift to a Sunday morning and make it a little ritual for OH and I... he wasn't really keen on hearing it this morning but after I'd read it he was amazed at how much is happening in there... hopefully it will help make sense of the fact that I'm crying approximately every 15 minutes (the x factor... animal adverts... just about anything can set me off)

Physically there's nothing really visible yet - apart from some quite dramatic growth in the bra department!! I'd noticed during the week that all of my lovely bras were having trouble containing me, so my Mum and I went to good old M&S yesterday for my first maternity bra - having previously been a 32DD I'd taken in a 34DD and 34E to try on - was a little bit horrified to have to send my mum back out for a 34F!!! Flip! 34F and 7 weeks - I'm going to have to have industrial strength ones made by the time I get to 38 weeks!! They're not terribly attractive but the nursing clips are a bit of a novelty and i love fiddling with them - I figure that I need to master the art of whipping all out with one hand at a seconds notice and may as well do it sooner rather than later!!! lol!!

Apart from that the sickness has kicked up a knotch this week and have been vomiting more, but the constant nausea has eased a little bit. Haven't had much of an appetite and haven't really been able to face cooking very much. Although I know it's still too early for a bump, my tum is definately feeling a bit firmer and i'm getting a bit bloated.. i guess it's more to do with hormones and slowed digestion than baby, but still!!

So that's it for now.... I'm off to lie down with a book. A few hours upright seems to be about all I can manage at the minute!! Roll on the second trimester! I'm pretty ready for that pregnancy bloom and the burst of energy all the books keep promising!!

6 weeks today

6 weeks pregnant today!!
Isn't that magic!

Last Sunday I took my Mum out for lunch and before we left I told her my news... I think she's as delighted as I am! We were really quite hopeless when we were out, everytime we'd catch each others eye we'd both start to cry again!! It's lovely now that she knows... she's really excited about being a Granny and I know it's an extra prayer or two every day for my sticky little bean!

She told my Dad that evening and, whilst it came as a bit of a shock to him, he's reacted much better than I'd hoped. He rang me on Monday evening to congratulate me and tell me to look after myself.

Thursday evening I couldn't wait any longer and we told the in-laws. They're delighted... they're both in their 60's and I think it's the major thing that has been missing from their lives. I'm under strict instructions not to do anything!! They're quite old fashioned and I know we'll probably disagree about my parenting style but I also know they'll adore having a little Grandchild to spoil and love. It's definately well prayed for since I told them, I'd say there are candles burning and rosary's said every day for it.

At 6 weeks the books are starting to say that I might start getting a little bit of morning sickness... uumm, yeah, it only started about two weeks ago! It has started to get much worse though! I've been feeling sick constantly pretty much since I found out, but the worst thing is the complete exhaustion... after an hour or two doing anything at all I just need to sit down or my head starts to spin.

I can't wait to get past the first trimester and start to feel better, and hopefully, to look pregnant!! I'm also looking forward to telling my brother and sister, and all of our friends.

I've taken a couple of 'before' pics



I'm going to take a picture every couple of weeks to chart my pregnancy progress - I can't wait to see it turn into a proper blooming baby bump!!

I'm going to sign off for now and go and try to get some paperwork caught up... it's just hard to concentrate on anything that isn't baby!!

4 weeks 5 days

I wish I knew how much of what I'm feeling is the end of the flu I had last week and how much is being pregnant... I can hardly keep my head up!! I work Wed, Thurs, Fri and every night this week I was in bed by 7.30 and asleep by 8!! I keep telling DOH it's hard work growing a baby!!

He's finally getting his head around the idea and we've been having lots of conversations about how we think people will react and what sort of Dad he will be. I'm pretty confident about becoming a Mum, but he's terrified... I wonder if it's because his Dad was so unwell all during his childhood - I kind of think that he missed out on being well parented and that will make it harder for him to get his head around the idea. I still think he'll be a great dad though.

I've made arrangements with my mum to see her tomorrow for lunch and I'm going to tell her then. I'm hoping that she'll be delighted for me... I realised today that I'll be 25 when I become a Mum, same as she was when she had me.

There's the doorbell.. must run

My grain of rice...

The official line:
This week you will be able to take a pregnancy test. You may know you are pregnant if you have done an early test, but will probably not be experiencing morning sickness yet. However you may notice other signs of pregnancy such as changes to your sense of smell. A plug of mucus has sealed your cervix.
Nice!! 48 hours after receiving the news and I think this morning my DOH may have started to come to terms with it... it's been really funny all weekend as I've been slightly obsessive and everytime I've mentioned it his face has gone completely white, and he's spent quite a lot of the weekend in the bathroom...this morning though he definately seems happier about it.

Last night I first 'felt' something different.... we were lying on the sofa watching x factor when I started getting sensations in my boobs!!! How bizarre is that?! It was kind of like little electric shocks behind my nipples...

I'm still trying not to get too 'attached' to my little bean growing inside me... my period isn't even due until tomorrow and it's still very possible that if the hormone levels aren't high enough, that could be the end of it... I just keep praying though. I do believe that God created me this little life so it's up to him to look after it...

It's incredible knowning what's going on in there...

Your baby's brain and the rest of the nervous system have started to develop. Your baby is gently floating in amniotic fluid. The nose, eyes and hands are forming and basic hand 'plates' are present. The heart is now beating strongly at twice your own rate. Blood vessels have formed and a tiny umbilical cord has connected itself to the rapidly developing placenta. Your baby measures around the length of a grain of rice.

Amusingly I've been asked to consider taking two of the elderly people i care for to Portugal next May... it made me nearly burst knowing that by then I'll be days away (God willing) to giving birth!!

I took MIL out on Saturday morning and she was talking about how this Christmas is going to be the best ever and I very nearly told her then, but I'm going to try and restrain myself for another 6-8 weeks or so. I know they're going to be over the moon.

Til later... I suspect I'll be updating quite frequently, at least until I've told everyone I know and can actually talk about it!!

TWO LINES!!!

THANK YOU GOD!!

This month has felt different, and I've kept hoping and hoping, whilst trying not to get myself too worked up, but this morning I decided to test just in case (even though my period wasn't due until next week). I dipped the little test strip and tucked it under a face cloth sitting on the bathroom windowsill while I went to have a cup of coffee...

5 minutes later I went back and almost through it straight in the bin without looking at it... somehow I hadn't expected in the slightest to see that second line.

How can I describe it? I really do think it was one of the happiest moments of my life before.... I ran down to the bedroom and shouted at DOH to hurry up in the bathroom - then he came out (still half asleep) and I held up the test strip and burst into tears. I think he's in shock! Although he's happy, he's also terrified... he hasn't met my family yet and he thinks my Dad is going to lynch him. I don't think he really believed that it would happen.

The little test is tucked away safely (I've only checked it about, oh, maybe a million times...)
I wish my Mum was home as she's the first person I want to tell.. I don't know how anybody expects me to keep it to myself for another 8 weeks though! I feel like bursting!! I got around it slightly by telling a pharmacist this morning... I've had a really bad cold and I went in to ask which decongestant I can take but I'm going to have to make do with paracetamol (hmm... hope the three bottles of Benylin All in One I've consumed in the last four days haven't done any damage...!!)

So this is it... Please God keep my little bean safe inside me and make it grow big and strong!!

Hoping against hope...

Still trying not to get my hopes up too high, but thinking about it literally takes my breath away.

Poor OH is complaining of exhaustion after trying every other day for the last week - and being awakened several times out of his sleep for that purpose :-/

I'm feeling pretty hopeful... this is month 4 of trying and given the statistics it should happen for me in the next month or so... all I can do is pray though (and pray i have been!).

We've had some good news in the last week though, as his ex-wife has accepted a reasonable financial settlement after being making incredibly unreasonable demands for the last year and a half (perhaps something to do with the fact she's lost her job... not that I'd gloat or anything!). It means we've just got some paperwork to sort out and then our home will be properly ours, and we can get on with re-decorating and landscaping and just basically creating a family home.

**fingers crossed for this month**

Please let it be this monrth

I've been fairly calm about things so far but I desperately want this to be our lucky month.
I'd always thought that Spring would be the loveliest time to have a baby and May would just be perfect... I can't help but hoping and wishing and praying.
This will be the fourth month we're actively trying and everywhere I go there seem to be babies and women with beautiful swollen tum's... I just want it for myself, and for DOH and for his parents... I think they're as desperate to be grandparents as I am to be a mother (it's the fact she calls herself Granny when talking to the dog that gives it away...)

Please God, if you're listening... knit a tiny new life inside me and keep it safe and strong
I promise to take good care of it, to love it with all my heart and to always do everything I can to ensure it's happiness and security.

I know life isn't fair - I know a woman who has the most beautiful baby now following a drunk one night stand, and I know another woman pregnant with her fourth child when I've never seen her cuddle or kiss or play with her other three...I don't know how that can be part of any master plan for the universe, but please make it my turn next.

Nobody ever said life was going to be fair

Better luck next month...

I knew this month I wasn't pregnant, but it's still disappointing when you know you're REALLY not pregnant. It doesn't help that my DOH hasn't yet realised that early pregnancy symptoms and PMS have pretty much the same symptoms - unfortunately I turn into THE Psycho Bitch From Hell with mood swings, chocolate cravings and heartburn every month without fail.

I do feel a little down about it... I would have loved to have been having an April baby, but I guess I'll just have to try for May instead!

My disappointment hasn't been helped by the fact that a friend of mine is now a doting daddy - following a one night stand. The mother of his baby has been a complete bitch - cutting him off completely during the pregnancy apart from to ask for money. Since Baby came along four weeks ago (and of course, he is just completely gorgeous) our friend has been at her beck and call and it's obvious she's just out for all she can get. Anyway... how come she's already got a baby, and I don't? She went clubbing this weekend! I mean, for crying out loud - your child is FOUR BLOODY WEEKS OLD!!! And she's out on the drink!! Jealousy is NOT an attractive emotion but I can't help myself.... i hate her. Pure and simple hate.

On the plus side I picked up a gorgeous Moses Basket this week in the charity shop.

Yes I know, i know, I've got one already but seriously - how could I resist? A complete bargain at £7 for Mamas and Papas basket, bedding and stand!! And now I've got one for the bedroom and one for the kitchen/living room!!

I decided on Sunday the best thing to beat the cramps and mood swings was to get stuck into something so I sorted out all the stuff in the junk room and filled the bins as well as boxes for the car boot sale... Our nursery now contains nothing apart from all the nursery furniture I'm going to paint and a wardrobe full of baby clothes, reusable nappies and maternity wear.

All I need now is a baby.

Cycle 3

You hear all the time about people conceiving after years of trying - I'm amazed!! How do they manage to have enough sex every month to make it possible?!
Unfortunately, sex is a bit of an issue in this house: I want it, he generally doesn't... it's been pretty hard to get used to that; I've been lucky enough in previous relationships to have well matched libido's, and when I haven't been in a relationship I've always had plenty of willing helpers. In the last 2 years with DOH I can remember perhaps two occasions when he's initiated sex. It was really a big deal for a while at the start with me feeling unwanted & frustrated, but I'd come to terms with it and built up an adequate selection of erotic novels which I enjoyed once he'd gone to work. Sadly, erotic novels can't impregnate you!!
Approaching, once again, Ovulation Day, it's damn hard work trying to convince him that we need to be doing it AT LEAST every third day (preferably every other day!)
Still... I'm now inside that precious little window where it's a possibility - I had to wait until he was sleeping last night and then convince him very gently (it wasn't rape, no matter what he says!!!). I'm hoping that a few pints (for him) on Friday night will make my job a little easier...Sunday could be a harder job as we'll be helping a friend care for his 3 week old child on his first day of 'custody' and I suspect that might give DOH second thoughts about the whole thing!!
I wonder how many other wanna be mums have spent all morning in bed lying with their bum up on a pillow, praying for that little seed to take root
Of course it's been my prevailing thought most of the time for the last 6 months, but even more so after having spent Tuesday afternoon helping to care for my lovely new 6 week old cousin - it's just so incredible to hold this whole new person in your arms and watch him grow. His mother, my aunt, knows that I'm trying, and was laughing, warning me about the morning sickness, the exhaustion... I think she, like a lot of people, wanted their babies desperately but would happily have had them delivered by a stork! On the other hand, I can't wait to be pregnant... I adore the idea of feeling that first flutterings inside me, I can't wait to see my belly stretch and grow (not so sure about my boobs.... if I gain the average of 2 cup sizes that would make me 34G!!!), believe it or not I'm even looking forward to the constant nausea I expect to be accompanied by for the first 12 weeks (although I'm sure i'll tire of it pretty quickly!)
But what can I do... hope and pray
Oh, and of course, lie still for 14 hours afterwards with my bum on a pillow!!!

Bargain! (Gap Maternity Trousers)

Okay, okay... so it isnt actually a bargain if you don't really need it, but I'll need them someday, right?

So added to my 'baby cupboard' is a gorgeous pair of Gap Maternity Trousers; arrived with tags (rrp £29.95) for a not too shabby £3 (including postage!)

Of course, as soon as my dear OH went out to work this morning I took the opportunity to try them on - they're perfect with a strategically placed cushion!

I'll take them off any time now!! (I'm just hoping nobody comes to the door before that!)

Into month two of our efforts now and every time I think about it (approximately every 9 seconds) I cross my fingers and toes and offer up a little prayer. Every time I go out recently there seem to be pregnant or breastfeeding women everywhere and it's like a punch to the stomach every single time. I can't imagine my future without a baby and the thought makes me feel physically sick.

I've told OH it takes an average of 6 months and can take up to a year - he doesn't know very much about the whole rig-ma-role and I don't want him getting uptight about it, but even he was disappointed when I hadn't conceived last month. Even though we're both capable of thinking about it rationally, I can't override the biology - I feel like I'm missing my heart or my stomach or guts, like some intrinsic part of me is missing.

I guess if it does take a while the plus side will be I will already have bought just about every thing I'll need!

Excuse me for now, I'm just off to check out re-usable nappies on ebay...

False Economy

Rudely awakened this morning by DOH leaping out of bed and turning on the light at 6.30 in order to answer a phone which was ringing in his dream, I sat up and was immediately hit by a wave of nausea ~ AHA! I though, (still being far from properly awake) ~ morning sickness! And so I rushed to the bathroom in order to ensure that precious 'early morning sample' was aimed at a stick of plastic similar to the one that will someday predict my future.

Had I been more awake I might have realised
a) Given that we only started 'trying' this month (albeit with several rather heartfelt efforts at the 'right' time as well as a few 'practice runs'), i'd promised myself that I wouldn't get my hopes up too quickly so as to avoid putting myself under pressure.
b) Even if we had been succesful this month, by this stage the baby would be a mere fused cell, (or zygote, if you want to be technical about it) and would by no means be ready to inflict the torture of morning sickness on it's well-intentioned host
c) That pregnancy testing isn't accurate before the baby is implanted (unsurprisingly!) and so they can't give an accurate result before your next period is overdue. Given that I'm not due until next Monday, I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself!

Nevertheless, back to bed I went, clutching my little stick (hastily shoving it under the pillow when DOH returns with a cup of tea)... Within 30 seconds a perfectly distinct line had appeared in the little control window and despite knowing already that there was no point I set my alarm for five minutes and tucked it under my pillow in the hope that it will produce that magical second line while I'm not looking.

5 minutes laterI'm contemplating writing to them to suggest that instead of the presence of one blue line they should produce a line with platitudes like 'Sorry, you're not a winner this time but please keep trying', or perhaps an offer to log online and download a free wallpaper instead, you know, like the little stickers you peel off the side of your McDonalds or something.

Home Testing Kits are now so accurate that Doctors surgeries rarely carry out the test, but instead send you to the chemist to get your own. All well and good, I'm sure it will be much nicer to find out in the privacy of my own home. However, for the obsessive amongst us it puts an end to the idea that I can create and sustain a baby without spending an unnecessary fortune; Because the fact that I can spontaneously leap out of bed and carry out a pregnancy tests means there was already one in my bathroom... and in fact there wasn't just one. In a box (well hidden under a box of Lil-lets) there isn't just one test - but 8.

Isn't it funny how you can convince yourself you're saving money on just about anything you decide you want? A bargain! 2 boxes of 2 tests for £9! Amazing! Never mind whether you need them yet or not! Of course I justified it at the time by telling myself I was getting four Tesco own brand cheepies for the cost of one Clearblue (never mind the digital ones!), but then I found myself wondering this morning... might it be worth perhaps popping out for a 'first response' test which promises to tell earlier than any of the others? A steal at only £11!!

Of course now being properly awake I've realised I missed another reason to have avoided peeing on my £2 stick: who doesn't feel slightly queasy when wakened suddenly out of the blue?
But still... no baby yet and already I've spent £18 on pregnancy tests.

The folic acid were a mere £1.61 for a 3 months supply and having bought them alongside my normal multi-vitamin a got a second tub free; fingers crossed 6 months supply might see me through.

So there we have it: £19.61 to swallow a tiny yellow pill every day and pee on a stick!

total so far: £19.61

Getting Started

After a year of nagging, my darling other half (DOH) has given in... "okay, okay... let's have a baby"

It's been an on-going conversation for quite a while now... and being ever practical DOH is concerned about the costs of baby making & baby keeping in the current economic climate, (and yes, I'm sure it doesn't help that I've made no pretense at all that I intend to juggle being a Mama with other less worthy pursuits like carrying on with work!). I'm convinced that having a baby doesn't have to cost the earth, so I've set myself a mandate: I will not pay more for a single thing than I have to; I'm going to have a baby on a budget.

I thought this journey might be one worth recording - so here goes!